Queering Life Stories: How to Address LGBTQ+ People in an Obituary

Obituaries are a standard way of remembering those who have passed away. Unfortunately, this way of remembering loved ones can also exacerbate family drama, and there are often complaints within families about how obituaries are written.

Most often these complaints can be chalked up to tension in the family, but it's unfair and discriminatory when a family member is excluded from a loved one's obituary on the basis of their sexuality. It's even worse when the deceased person is the one whose identity is being erased from their own life story.

How does sexuality relate to obituaries?

The gay rights movement has led to many families openly accepting and supporting their LGBTQ+ relatives. However, many people are still not fully on board with homosexuality, due to religious beliefs, personal discomfort or other reasons. Whatever the reason, these attitudes frequently lead to discrimination against LGBTQ+ folks, particularly when a death occurs.

One such injustice played out in the landmark Supreme Court case United States v. Windsor. Edith Windsor was the lead plaintiff in a case that successfully overturned Section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act. Though they were legally married, the law did not equally recognize their marriage. When her wife passed away, Edith Windsor was forced to pay $363,053 in federal estate taxes on the money she inherited. She would have paid $0 in federal taxes, had she been married to a man. Edith Windsor ultimately won her case, and was refunded the taxes that were wrongfully charged to her.

In addition to estate matters, people who identify as LGBTQ+ regularly have their sexual orientation hidden or even erased when they die or lose a loved one. In grief, families tend to focus on the best qualities of their deceased loved one. They want to remember their loved one in the best possible light. Unfortunately, 'the best possible light' is subjective, and often rife with bias. A disapproving relative, newspaper, funeral home or lawyer can prevent a gay person from being remembered for who they were.

In February of 2018, Dallas resident Barry Giles submitted his mother's obituary to the Olten Enterprise, a privately owned newspaper. As with most standard obituaries, Giles listed surviving family members, and their spouses - including his husband, John Gambill. However, when the story was published in the Olten Enterprise, John's name and relationship to the surviving son was missing. Newspaper editor Phillip Hamilton was responsible for the last-minute removal, and defended his decision by citing his religious beliefs.

This kind of discrimination through erasure has always existed, but that doesn't make it right.

The incident prompted debate on the role of newspaper editors, bias and homophobia in the obituary industry. Even though the newspaper editor was providing a free obit in his own privately held publication, some ethical lines were surely crossed. Many believed he should have contacted the family to approve the edits before running a story that excluded the dead woman's son-in-law. Others take a harsher stance, saying that an editor's personal opinion should only be voiced in an editorial - not an obituary.

Sexual orientation belongs in the telling of life stories

Sexual orientation is mentioned, or at least implied, in many obituaries - when the person was heterosexual. Naming a spouse and mentioning children usually reveals a person's sexual orientation. It should be no different in the case of a gay person.

A life story doesn't need to revolve around sexuality in order to accurately convey the truth of the deceased person's life. Mentioning a same-sex partnership is not a political statement, it's factual storytelling.

Space constraints can affect who is listed

There are several different ways to frame an obituary, and the form you choose may influence the information that is included.

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  Death announcement

  
  

A simple death announcement briefly mentions a person's passing, and provides the date, time and location of any funeral services. There will likely be no space to include details about a person's life, accomplishments or loves. A death announcement that includes limited information may be the best option for families who are worried about explicitly mentioning an LGBTQ+ person in a life story.

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  Traditional obituary

  
  

A longer traditional obituary usually mentions the deceased person's most important life milestones, then lists both the kin who predeceased them, as well as those who survive to mourn. This obit style may include some life milestones including marriage, retirement, survivors and predecessors. This kind of story may warrant mentioning either the deceased person or a family member's sexual identity

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  Creative obituary

  
  

A longer, more creative, obituary is a way of telling a life story without closely following the structure of a traditional obituary format. These obits usually read more like a short story, using descriptive language to focus on the person's character, accomplishments and the people who were closest to them. This form of obituary intentionally delves into personal details.

The writer of a creative obituary is free to tell the story in a compelling way. This format is best for a story of long or unlimited length, like in an online obituary. Excluding a known same-sex partnership from a lengthy, descriptive obituary such as this may be seen as homophobic.

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When to mention sexual orientation in an obituary

An obituary is a life story. Whether or not the writer agrees with the morality of homosexuality, it's undeniable that it exists and is a part of some people's life stories. If the deceased person identified as LGBTQ+, their sexualty was an inherent part of who they were. That said, there's usually no need to dwell on identity. There are usually only three reasons to mention sexual orientation in an obituary:

1. The deceased person identified as LGBTQ+

Sexual orientation is an important part of a person's identity, both in relationships as well as the way they interact with the world. If the deceased person was out about their sexual orientation, it should be mentioned in the life story. Pay tribute to their authentic self in their obituary, as long as this choice aligns with the values and personality of the person who has passed.

2. Someone important to the deceased person is LGBTQ+

There may be cause to note a same-sex relationship when listing survivors and predecessors in an obituary, as in the case of Barry Giles' submission to the Olten Enterprise paper. There is no need to gratuitously mention the sexual orientation outright. Simply list the relevant people by name and relationship to the deceased, as well as their spouses, as you would in any other obituary.

3. The deceased person engaged with sexuality through their career, art or hobby

Sometimes a person's life work or passion involves study or activism related to sexual orientation. A person's interests and achievements make up part of their life story. If you're writing a detailed obituary that delves into the person's character and interests, and gay culture was important to them, it's appropriate to mention.

Handling sexual orientation in the obituary story

Here are some considerations to make before mentioning sexual orientation or identity in an obituary:

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  Follow the wishes of the deceased individual.

  
  

What would the deceased person have wished for their obituary tribute? If they left behind instructions for their own remembrance, those wishes should be honored. However, a recent study has shown that only about 17% of people have left instructions in the event of their death.

As the obituary writer, you have to make decisions about how the story should be handled. On one hand, selectively leaving sexuality or gender identity out of an out and proud gay person's story is disrespectful. On the other hand, not all LGBTQ+ people are comfortable with this kind of information being shared publicly. Think about what they would have wanted, and make a judgment call.

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  Stick to the facts.

  
  

An obituary does not have to be an essay about why it's okay to be gay - that should go without saying. The most respectful way to authentically convey the life story of a gay person is to write the story with as little bias as possible. Write as you would any other obituary, by including all pertinent people and ensuring the most important points aren't missed.

As the obituary writer, it's your obligation to tell the deceased person's life story accurately. You must look at the events of their life and determine which ones were the most important to them.

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  Never ever out someone without their consent.

  
  

The gay rights movement has seen significant progress over the last decade, but that doesn't guarantee the safety of members of the LGBTQ+ community as they go about their daily lives. Coming out is a personal choice that should always be left up to the individual - including when, how and why they decide to reveal this part of their identity.

The obituary writer needs to be sensitive to this fact, and ensure they confirm with family and friends that the deceased person was out about their sexuality. If any survivors or predecessors are being mentioned in reference to a same-sex partnership, the obituary writer must confirm that it is okay to publish this information before submitting the story to a newspaper or online obituary provider. Failing to do so is not only disrespectful to the person you have outed, but also potentially dangerous.

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  Use preferred pronouns.

  
  

Pronouns are the words we used to refer to people when we aren't using their name. Most people go by either he/him or she/her, and this usually corresponds to their gender identity. If you are referring to any person in the obituary, it's important to find out their preferred pronoun, and ensure that it is used consistently throughout the story.

Some people prefer a gender neutral pronoun, such as they. Use they when requested. It's also an acceptable way to refer to someone whose preferred pronoun is not known. If you were close to the deceased and their surviving family, you likely already know what everyone's pronouns are. But when in doubt, ask first.

Discrimination doesn't always end with death

Progress seen by the gay rights movement has not eliminated discrimination against people who are LGBTQ+. Queer voices are loud and proud, but their stories still face alteration and sometimes erasure after they pass away. When a writer allows personal bias or uncertainty to influence the accurate telling of a life story, a disservice is done to the person being remembered.

An obituary writer does not need to personally endorse any part of their subject's life in order to tell their story truthfully. Making an effort to reduce personal bias in the telling of LGBTQ+ stories is the best way to honor who they were.