Gender in Obits: Addressing Trans, Non-binary and Identity Issues in Obituaries

There are many articles on Beyond the Dash that can help our readers learn to write an obituary. Whether you're honoring a mother, father, child, both your parents, yourself, or someone else, we always encourage obituary writers to double-check the accuracy of family details first, including names, dates, places, relationships and events. Even within close-knit families, a misspelled name, incorrect birthday or missing survivor can create family drama, particularly when tension is high after a death.

If anyone mentioned in the obituary is LGBTQ+, there might be additional factual details to verify before writing an obituary. In this article, we will discuss how to address trans, non-binary and queer-identifying folks when writing an obituary.

Understanding the issues

The trans rights movement is fairly young, with mainstream acceptance still pending. However, trans people have always existed throughout history. Even if you don't think you've ever met a trans person, odds are you have. Trans people exist everywhere, and sometimes their personal safety is only possible by blending in with cisgender folks.

Humans come in many forms, and as a society we use words to help name and understand complex concepts. In order to understand the concepts in this article, we should first identity some terms that will be used:

• Cisgender (or cis for short) is a term used to refer to those who identify with the gender society has attributed to them since birth. If you are not trans or non-binary, this term applies to you. For example, a woman who was identified as female at birth, who also identifies as a woman, could be referred to as cis.


• Transgender (not 'transgendered') is a word that is often used as an umbrella term for those who aren't cis, including non-binary people. A person who is trans may identify as a different gender than assigned at birth, using the associated pronouns.


• Non-binary people may identify as neither gender, more than one gender or somewhere else on the gender spectrum. The term is often used by people who reject a gender binary of only male and female.


• Pronouns are used as substitutes for nouns (people, places and things). Examples of pronouns include: he, her, he, him, it, they, me, you and others. In this article, pronouns refer to the gendered words we use to refer to others, namely she/her, he/him and they.


• Deadname is the name that a trans person's parents gave them at birth. It's a name that is no longer used, and is therefore considered dead. Using a trans person's real name (and completely forgetting their deadname) is an important part of supporting them.

How to support gender identity in obituary writing

There are two main ways you can support a trans person's identity if they are being mentioned in an obituary:

1. Never use a person's deadname

Part of coming out as a trans person sometimes involves going by a new name, and eventually updating legal documents and identification. No matter where a person is in their transition, you should always use the name that they request when referring to them.

A deadname is dead for a reason. Don't publish a deadname in an obituary story. Let it die, and move forward with the right name.

2. Always use a person's preferred pronouns

Pronouns are the words we used to refer to people when we aren't using their name. Most people go by either he/him or she/her, and this usually corresponds to their gender identity. If you are referring to any person in the obituary, it's important to find out their preferred pronoun, and ensure that it is used consistently throughout the story. Some people (like many non-binary folks) prefer a gender-neutral pronoun, such as they. Use they when requested.

Listing family and friends as predecessors or survivors doesn't usually require the use of their corresponding pronouns. It's enough to simply list them by name and relationship to the deceased. When stating the relationship, use the word that is preferred by the individual. For instance, if the son of the deceased person is trans, don't list him as a daughter.

However, if the deceased person was trans, writing their obituary will necessitate using their pronouns, in addition to their correct name. Particularly in a longer obituary, referring to a person by name only makes for very awkward reading. Using pronouns in addition to the name gives the reader some variety as they learn about the deceased person's life, achievements and loves.

Forget what you know about sticks and stones

For most cis folks, it's difficult to imagine being harmed through misgendering or being called the wrong name. If these ideas are new to you, there are many resources available for free online to help you unpack your thoughts and empathize with trans issues. Remember, you don't have to fully understand in order to be respectful in an obituary.

Imagine if someone began referring to you as ma'am and she, but you are very clearly a man. Recall a time when someone continued to spelled or pronounced your name incorrectly, even after you reminded them. As a woman, think of how you'd react when someone carelessly (or maliciously) calls you 'sir'. As these annoying mistakes pile up, you start to suspect it's intentional. If your name is Fred and your buddy is calling you Nancy, you might not take it lightly. This is the case for many trans and non-binary folks, except they've been dealing with it their whole lives.

More and more, academics in fields like science, sociology, psychology, and even some religious scholars are realizing that gender is more impacted by socialization and identity than biology. In fact, there's evidence to support the idea that both gender and sexuality can operate on a spectrum, rather than a binary. Whether or not you are personally or academically invested in these issues, it's important to have a basic understanding of pronouns, deadnames and gender if you are writing an obituary that lists the names of loved ones.

Making mistakes

Everyone makes mistakes - it's a part of being human. And in the complex world of gender, identity and death, mistakes are bound to happen.

In obituaries, a spelling or grammar error can easily lead to grieving loved ones feeling like they've been disregarded. Referring to someone by the wrong pronoun or name is hurtful to an individual who is figuring out their identity, battling gender dysphoria, or just plain sick of having to correct people. And in a printed newspaper obituary, the mistake is permanent. Do your best to avoid errors by asking their preference first.

Checking in about names and pronouns

The best way to avoid making a mistake is to ask. If asking about pronouns is new to you, this might seem awkward. But it doesn't have to be.

When you are gathering information for any obituary, you should be confirming information and double-checking spellings. In this phase of your work, privately reach out to all who will be mentioned in the story, or their closest living relative. Ask for the correct spelling of their name, and inform them of how they will be included in the story. If you suspect that there may be pronoun considerations for a particular person, ask them directly. It can help to identify your own pronouns to the person in order to clarify and normalize the question.

"Can you send me the exact spelling of your name? Also, what pronouns do you go by? I go by she/her. Just checking before we go ahead and submit the obituary."

Create a digital memorial

Obituaries are a singularly human form of storytelling

Whether or not you engage with LGBTQ+ issues in your daily life, it's important to be respectful of every person in an obituary notice. Not only is this the final record of a person's life, but a story that can also include living survivors. Announcing death and commemorating life in an obituary is a way of reminding all readers that the person who is gone was loved.

At the end of a person's life, they deserve to be recognized for who they were in life. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't let semantics interfere with the task at hand: quickly announcing a death with accuracy, respect for all, and compassion.